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So from time to time, I run across jokes that I think are above the normal funny jokes... here's one  (no it's not mine).

 

So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling bscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,"Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

Of course, her children were at least two years apart, and while they did share similar features, they certainly didn't look like each other.

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.


Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/155/He-Landed-A-Job-As-A-Walmart-Greeter-But-Only-Lasted-Two-Hours-The-Reason-Why-Is-Priceless-#xoezUHfolyQs4ITP.99

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Oh this has been my all time favorite for a long time... Being in IT I have wanted to say what the tech says on several occasions... :lol:

"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
[Ah-at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
[pause] "Yes, it is."
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
[muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
[still muffled] "I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
[clear again] "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power-!?!"...[AAAAAAARGH! ]
"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]

Edited by Shadowlyn

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Sounds like fun when I retire.. :lol:

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started Writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

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Finding out what they really think:

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.  He decided it was time to get it checked.  He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.  The gentleman returned home and never told his family.  He would sit in his comfy chair and listen to what everyone was talking about.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to see the doctor for a check up.  After reexamining the patient the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" may have sounded something like this:

Costello calls a computer store to ask about a computer. Abbot answers the phone.

Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

Costello: Yes. I'm setting up an office at home and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

Abbott: Mac?

Costello: No, my name's Lou.

Abbott: Your computer?

Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

Abbott: Mac?

Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.

Abbott: OK then, what about Windows?

Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in there?

Abbott: No. But do you want a computer with Windows?

Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

Abbott: Wallpaper at first.

Costello: Never mind the windows! I need a computer and some software.

Abbott: Software for Windows?

Costello: No! On the computer! I need something I can use to run my business, write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?

Abbott: Office.

Costello: Yeah, for my office. I told you that. Can you recommend anything?

Abbott: I just did.

Costello: You just did what?

Abbott: Recommended something.

Costello: You recommended something?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: For my office?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: OK. What did you recommend for my office?

Abbott: Office.

Costello: Yes, for my office!

Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.

Costello: My office already has windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to write a proposal. What would I need?

Abbott: Word.

Costello: What word?

Abbott: Word in Office.

Costello: The only word in office is office.

Abbott: You need the Word in Office for Windows.

Costello: Which word in office for windows?

Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

Costello: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't give me some straight answers. What about bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can use to track my money?

Abbott: Sure, Money.

Costello: That's right. What do you have?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: I need money to track my money?

Abbott: Yes, and It comes bundled with your computer.

Costello: What comes bundled with my computer?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: Money comes with my computer?

Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.

Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much do I get?

Abbott: One copy.

Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

Abbott: We got a license from Microsoft to copy Money.

Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?

Abbott: Why not? They own it!

(A few days later)

Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

Costello: How do I turn my computer off?

Abbott: Click "START."

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I remember when computers first came with a CD-Rom and I actually saw someone do the following..

 

Customer: "Can you help me, the cup holder on my new computer broke, and I don't know what to do?

Tech support: "Cup holder? What are you talking about? None of our computers come with a cup holder attached to them, and I've never heard of one that did."

Customer: Yes, well the one you sold me did, and the other day I went to set a mug of coffee on it and it just snapped off!"

Tech support: "Sir, can you describe what the cup holder looks like, because I still can't picture what a cup holder on a computer would look like?"

At this point the customer is getting a little irritated!

Customer: "Look, I don't know how you could not know that you sell computers with cup holders on them, because it's right in the middle of the thing, and when you push a button on the side, it pops out so you can set your drink on it, and it says 4X on the front cover!"

A long pause . . .

Tech support: Sir, are you telling me, you're using your CD-Rom drive as a beverage holder?"

Customer: "What's a CD-Rom Drive?"

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two of my favorites

 

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colours. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that snazz. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean’s list, and all that snazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him.

He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it.

Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.

Edited by rotwhip3

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A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "So what are ya having there big fella?"

The bear says, "Give me a ......................................................... beer."

The bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear throws his arms up in the air and says, "I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

---------

An hour later, a pony walks into the same bar and whispers to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please."

The bartender asks, "Why are you whispering?".

"I'm a little hoarse."


Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/157/A-Bear-Walks-Into-A-Bar-#ToxUdUsfYC5kuiOJ.99

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An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen."

The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."

The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"

The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."

The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"

"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"Aha!" she exclaimed. "He's the one who's been peein' in the refrigerator!"


Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/160/Doctor-Expresses-Concern-For-An-80-Year-Old-Patient-Until-His-Wife-Says-THIS#sjXA53TwrufcfkdX.99

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17 minutes ago, Philosophercat said:

I heard this one today:

Don't confuse a mad scientist and a mad engineer; the mad scientist will only take over half of the world to leave a control group.

as a scientist i can validate this but in the end, when the study is over, i would blow it all up anyway...

because SCIENCE

 

SCIENCE!!!

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1 minute ago, Dalitasdrain said:

as a scientist i can validate this but in the end, when the study is over, i would blow it all up anyway...

because SCIENCE

 

SCIENCE!!!

Especially if you're an angry scientist? "I'm not mad; I'm angry! *Angry* scientist!"

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She Emailed Tech Support Complaining About Her Husband. The Reply She Got Is Genius
Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/

 

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

 

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!


Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/blog/1480/She-Emailed-Tech-Support-Complaining-About-Her-Husband-The-Reply-She-Got-Is-Genius#b4OERhbywi6oHxVf.99

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On ‎3‎/‎21‎/‎2016 at 2:37 PM, Philosophercat said:

I heard this one today:

Don't confuse a mad scientist and a mad engineer; the mad scientist will only take over half of the world to leave a control group.

A scientist looks at a toaster and removes all the controls to see if it still works. An engineer looks at a toaster and adds new features until it barks like a dog.

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1 hour ago, Cryzeteur said:

A scientist looks at a toaster and removes all the controls to see if it still works. An engineer looks at a toaster and adds new features until it barks like a dog.

Nah.  An engineer looks at a toaster, sees that it does it's job perfectly well and knows better than to mess with it.  Or perhaps you mean an 'engineer' who has a degree in engineering but has barely ever touched a tool in their life.

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2 hours ago, TiDinzeo said:

Nah.  An engineer looks at a toaster, sees that it does it's job perfectly well and knows better than to mess with it.  Or perhaps you mean an 'engineer' who has a degree in engineering but has barely ever touched a tool in their life.

The engineers I know love to play. Let's say it was an *extra* toaster they had lying around.

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